This Totally Counts

Since I don't feel much like being anything other than negative and pissy. And I don't have the time/energy to do a proper BEDA feels. Here are some things:

Two people have left our office crying this week, which you would think would be a commonish occurrence, but it isn't, so that sucks and stuff.

I got my hair cut today. It's shorter than I've had it in a while, but not by too much. I finally managed to get a stylist to cut it where I want it without worrying about what'll happen when it curls up.

I'm gonna be getting a nice tax refund for 2012. After last year, where I basically didn't get a damn thing, I had more income withheld, so I'm not shocked, but it's nice. And I'll even be getting a tiny bit back from the School District income tax, which is weird, because I've always owed money to the schools.

I think Sunday is going to be my first day alone at the new job. It's scary and exciting and other feels.

If things go well, I think I'll move out on the 25th or 29th. Hopefully there will be something available that quickly. And hopefully I'll have passed their income requirements with this next round of paychecks.

-Michael

Tired Rambles

I'm super worn-out. I've worked for 10 straight days and will not have a day scheduled off for the foreseeable future. I really want to have a day to just rest and play video games and waste time on Tumblr. But I also don't want to stay at home, because I know Dad will try to get me to do shit with him. And I'd like to think I'd tell him off, but I don't know if I really would.

Do your stupid shit on your own. I'm fucking tired from my jobs.

Something that has made me quite happy about having to work so much and keeps me motivated is that the next day I have off will probably be the day I move out. I really hope that I will get approval for an apartment on April 23rd and hopefully actually be able to move-in shortly after that. I need to get back to working on getting shit ready for the move.

I kind of have developed this fear that I've sort of hit the wall with therapy. And it certainly isn't my therapist's fault. She's trying her best, but my brain is like, 'nope... I'm not going that deep. Never, nu-uh... Imma keep being neurotic.' And I feel bad because there are things I really should tell her that triggers for anxiety, but I can't bring myself to. I mean, if she can't get it out of me no one can.

Basically, I'm working on shit, but it sucks and is hard. And I feel bad about it sucking and being hard, because it shouldn't be. She tells me to give myself a break, but it's hard to break my natural pattern of thinking. I just need to keep trying, because I'm better off now than when I started therapy.

Thanks for reading,

-Michael

BEDA Feels- Fear Off

I'm afraid that I've reached that the point of diminishing returns.

I'm afraid that I'll get turned down by the apartment complex after my next paycheck.

I'm afraid of what will happen to everything when I do move out.

I'm afraid of my father

I'm afraid no one really likes me

I'm afraid of losing someone close to me

I'm afraid of getting very sick

I'm afraid that I'm bipolar

I'm afraid of leaving and having to come back

I'm afraid that I'll never have a romantic relationship

I'm afraid of the future

I'm afraid that I'm a bother

Inspiration: mentalpod.com

2nd Job

I have a second job now as I mentioned in yesterday's post. Anyway, I as someone who is a bit ridiculous in the amount of personal information he shares on the internet, I, for whatever reason, really don't feel comfortable going into specifics about where I work of for whom I work. And it's nothing bad about the employers or myself. It's not a concern about security either; I haven't really made it that hard for someone who wants to stalk me to do so.

For my job at a Doctors' Office, I actually do have specific reason for avoiding specifics. I'm pretty sure that if I put one of the Doctor's names in a post it would end up showing on Google searches and probably in the first few pages. It's not that my blog is all that popular, trust me it isn't, it's just that the practice has zero online presence. I really would rather no patients would find this. I do have my personal contact info available here and I think some people might view me as an in; I don't want anyone contacting me personally for a prescription request or to schedule a last minute appointment.

Anyway, into vague detail about this second job. A big thing about this job is that I'm working for a vendor in a retail store. I'm spending all my time at a large Home Improvement store, but not actually working for the store. Well kind of, technically the store hired the company I'm working for to stock and maintain products, so I'm kind of working for them, but not really.

So, the vendor I work for provides almost all the plants at said store and takes care of those plants. The Two big things my job entails: Stocking plants and watering plants. For example, yesterday I hung 90 ferns in hanging baskets and proceeded to water 90 ferns in hanging baskets as well as almost everything else.

It's surprisingly physically demanding. I'm sore. I'm worn out. It's alright though; I'll get used to it.

Thanks for reading

-Michael

BEDA Feels- Anxious Habit

A feels post today. Probably going to be short, because I'm fucking tired. Definitely, found out exactly what the 2nd job* will be like in terms of physical demands today. It's nothing terrible and I'll get used to it, but it's very physical work and I haven't had to do that in a while. Consider this a preface, to a bigger social anxiety post I plan on doing.

So, this new job while it's only semi-retail it is in a very busy retail environment. That's not an environment I'm comfortable in and it's particularly unsettling because I'm new to this job, so no tolerance has been built up yet. Then, there's the fact that I'm new to the job, so I don't feel certain in what I'm doing and that breeds lots of 'I'm going to fuck up' worries**.

Today was my third day at this job in three weeks*** and the first day that was really busy in the particular part of the store where I'm working for a third party vendor. So, lots of people around. Costumers asking me questions, because I'm working in the store, but I don't know the answer to, because I don't actually work for the store. So, this brings about a certain type of anxiety, which causes a particular habit in me, which cause a particular outcome.

I don't know the actual name for what I'm doing; I'm pretty sure there must be one, but I haven't found the words to make Google tell me what it is. Basically, I have my lips closed, but I pull them into my mouth, basically my lips aren't really visible any more and the skin just below and above the lips touches. My lips are sort of behind or on my my teeth, so the skin that rubs together is backed by my teeth. What an elegant and concise explanation that was.

Well, apparently 'sucked in lips' is what I was looking for, but I'll leave that last paragraph, because I don't know... padding or something.

This causes my lips to become chapped and the skin around my mouth gets very irritated. This doesn't happen when I have daddy anxiety. It doesn't happen when my insecurities make me anxious. It doesn't happen when I'm out in the usual way (i.e. out for a meal) and social anxiety kicks in. No, this is triggered by prolonged exposure to crowds. Also, uncertainty seems to be a factor. Like, I don't know exactly what to do and there are so many people who can see my ignorance/guess at what's right.

I don't know exactly what the function of that is. It seems quite instinctual to me. My brain just thinks this is the thing to do when it's nervous in this situation. All facial expressions seems to be instinctual, so this isn't particularly special; the results are painful, so I really notice it.

Anyway, I'll have to work on changing the behavior. Namely, by noticing it when it happens and then stopping it. Hopefully, that won't be too terribly difficult; I don't like depending on lip balm just cause I get nervous sometimes (a lot.)

Thanks for reading

-Michael
*Have I told the blog about the second job yet?
**I actually had my first fuck up today.
***Basically only working weekends for now

North Korea Shenanigans

As the occasoinal topical blogger, I figured, 'why not comment on something topical?' So lucky you, two days without a feels post. Let's talk about North Korea and everyone's response to North Korea.

The main thing remember in this, is that this is what North Korea does. They threaten war all the damn time. Hostile rhetoric is a speciality Pyongyang. It's partly to do with getting concessions, oftentimes food-aid, from global powers. Then there's the Military dictatorship within an extremely isolated nation.  The most important thing to have in a military dictatorship is an enemy. The populous doesn't know that a lot of the threats could never be fulfilled and all the menacing talk is probably inspiring in loyalty to the Government.

A mystery that remains is what is going on within the North Korean power structure. Or what that power structure even is. It's impossible to know, but maybe there is some in-fighting leading to these threats. Is there a fight between factions? Is Kim Jung-Un trying to show power and strength, because whatever other leadership there is in North Korea doubts it?

Another variable with this round of tensions is the damage economic sanctions have had. And these newest sanctions we're approved by China, which had been North Korea's remaining ally. The sanctions must have had some effect on the ruling class in the North. There is no wealth to be denied the population of North Korea, but the political and social leadership might just be feeling the squeeze of these sanctions.

I'm not too worried about this becoming a war. One has to think that the North Koreans know they cannot win in a conflict. Also, it also seems the leadership in North Korea wouldn't benefit from a war in anyway. The way the structure is in North Korea is pretty good for those who have power and assuming that they behave rationally will not make a move to lose power.

If they are determined that war is their best option, certainly the missile and nuclear threats would be foolish to follow up on. It is really doubtful that they have a nuclear weapon that could be delivered by any means other than plane, which is an absolute non-starter. If they do have a warhead that can be put on a missile, they couldn't fire it without ensuring their own destruction.

A ground invasion of South Korea is about their only realistic option. North Korea's large military would have the numbers advantage certainly and could quite possibly force a retreat. However, North Korean military technology basically stopped when the Soviet Union collapsed. Modern weaponry could do a lot to stop any North Korean advances. In fact North Korea's only real chance at survival if a war breaks out would be if China would ally itself with them. I doubt China would do that, but if they did we'd have another World War.

So the best case scenario for North Korea if they take military action is a global conflict (in which North Korea is likely to be just a battlefield.) That's why I'm not scared. North Korea (undoubtedly((almost))) isn't going to destroy itself to prove a point. They'll act threatening to keep their people in line and just maybe get the West to make some concessions. Tensions will ease only to flare back up when the North feels it's advantageous.

If war does break out, if North Korea fulfills its threats to fire missiles at Guam or Japan or South Korea, I'm not too worried about that unlikely outcome. It would certainly suck and could even be horrifying if there's a nuclear exchange, but fortunately I believe that the conflict could be contained and ended quickly in case of North Korean aggression.

tl;dr North Korea is playing chicken and they're driving a Smart Car and the rest of the world is a Semi

Thanks for reading

-Michael

Dr. King

A non-feels BEDA Post

45 years ago, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee. This (of course) was long before I existed, but the legacy cannot be forgotten. A man of peace murdered for speaking truth about the lies that Southern institutions and culture was based upon. He spoke against the untruth of Liberty in the United States. He made certain that everyone knew that there was no 'good enough' when it came to equality.

What is most amazing about Dr. King is that he didn't fight; his movement was all about resistance. Authority has no idea how to respond to a provoked person who doesn't respond to their provocation; who isn't discouraged by the use of violence against him. Dr. King and the many people who used non-violent protest knew that might isn't what's right. Justice, no matter what the powers-at-be believe, is always right in this world. Dogs, firehoses, a noose... these things have no morality and the truth about what is moral and just will always beat them in time.

He was the perfect leader at the perfect time. And he remains a perfect example of how to struggle against inequality. A perfect reminder of why no institutional or cultural prejudice is acceptable. It is ones obligation to stand against such prejudice even if it's unpopular or difficult or dangerous.

It is apparent that the nation is still grappling with issues of injustice; the constitution and the rights within still doesn't apply to everyone. Not long ago, the Supreme Court heard oral arguments for and against marriage equality. Justice's questioned whether or not this movement was going 'too fast,' which shows that there is still a ways to go. Rights should never be considered gradual things; a person is entitled to them and it's the Court's job to give it them when the Legislative Branch fails to create laws that are in line with the Constitution and the Executive Branch chooses to enforce these unjust laws. The Court isn't there to judge whether or not something is comfortable; it is not there to conform to popular opinion. It is there as a citizen's only protector when law is unjust and the Court should have no consideration other than protecting everyone's constitutional rights.

We must not ignore that while much progress has been in terms of equality in the law, that cannot be said of culture, private industry and institutions. In fact the lag between the law and reality is quite severe. The law can be rewritten with a simple stroke of a pen, but the mechanism of discrimination can't be taken apart that easily. Old prejudices linger. Those who had been disenfranchised remain disadvantaged. While a lot of overt racism, sexism, homophobia and the like is no longer a part of our culture, those things still remain. Minds still harbor old prejudices and more importantly old institutions and class structures hurt the progress that people who were subject to legal injustice are able to achieve. These things mostly are not intentional by the government or those who control the means of production. But they will not fix themselves gradually as newly recognized rights become older and more established. The rights that were denied to groups of people will continue to hurt those groups even when their rights are restored. The injustice can only be stopped by the restoration of rights as well  as the propping up and protection of that disenfranchised group, because even if the hurdles are removed for that group that doesn't mean they aren't still stuck with a lousy starting position.

Talk about run-on paragraphs.

Thanks for reading

-Michael

BEDA Feels- Good Moods

Weird things. Good Moods scare the shit out of me anymore. I mean, I can revel in it for a bit before I realize what's happening. Perhaps, I'm scared of prolonged good moods.

If I'm in a good mood and realize it, the killer goes like this:

Brain: Oh shit, is this mania? Oh God I'm bipolar. I just can't be bipolar. I can't be like him
Rational thought: C'mon bro, this isn't mania
Brain: Noooooo, it is. It has to be. I can't even sleep.
Rational thought: You can't sleep because you're worried your manic, so you're probably not manic
Brain: WHAT DO YOU KNOW? You're just in denial
Rational thought: Stop
Brain: NEVVVEEERRR

Then there's the fear that it won't last. Shit is unpredictable and there's always the risk that I'll be coming to hell.

Really short one today, but just in case

tl;dr I'm scared I'm manic if I'm happy

Thanks for reading

-Michael

BEDA Feels- Anger

Anger became an important topic in my therapy session today. It kind of sucked. I'm bad at it. I refuse to express it in anyway. She really did her best to get me to express it, but I struggled. And I had a bit of a rise, but then couldn't go much further. Basically, she noticed that I looked calm shortly after and asked me if I was suppressing anger, which I was. I couldn't express anger again.

I find outwardly showing anger terrifying. It feels like weakness to me. No one can know that they've gotten to me. In fact, no one can know than anything can ever get to me. If anyone know, then my Dad can know.

It's not had any positive outcomes at home. I get mocked or guilt tripped, if I ever show that my Dad's inconsiderate behavior upsets me. Anywho, story time. And I story that I haven't really ever told anyone to illustrate two things. I didn't show anger well and my father reacting inappropriately.

So let's go back about six year. I'm seventeen and my father is in a particularly horrible manic period. It's like 7:00am on a Sunday. I am awoken by my father who wants me to help him work on a car (by 'help' he basically means watch.) So, this is very annoying. It's the weekend, I'm seventeen, it's 7:00 in the morning. I wanna sleep in; High School basically meant not sleeping nearly enough during the week and trying to make up for that on the Weekends. So, waking me up for something that could just as well have been done later is infuriating.

So, I don't get up. He lingers being an annoying dick. Then, the fucker dumps water on me. I don't immediately hop up though; pride is a thing that I have. He keeps being an asshole, so I get up and angrily punch my closet door. He flips the fuck out and tackles me pinning me to my bed. I scream for him to get off me; he screams at me to calm down and that he's keeping me from wrecking the house. Mom comes down she yells to get him off me. He tries to justify it to her and this is the only time Mom actually threatened to leave him through all this shit.

The worst bit is that I still had to help him. I shouldn't have, but that's not the way the dynamic has ever worked. I can't remember exactly how it went down, but basically I felt I had to do it and Mom basically just wanted me to do it and get it over with. That is so much of the dynamic: don't fight, always appease. He's being horrible, but go along with horrible thing, because otherwise things will be more horrible.

So, there's more to this occurrence and it's fallout, but it's not entirely relevant. So quick summary, He came home with chest pains (I think they were probably phantom.) When he goes in for a Cardiac Catheterization, he tells me that I need to apologize to Mom for what happened; basically placing all the blame on me. Anyway, this incident was when I decided that the relationship wasn't salvageable.

Something my Therapist told me was that some of my anxiety is suppressed anger forcing itself out however it can. And I realized today that this is going to suck to fix. I feel like we have managed to crash some of my mental walls, but really facing anger and how to deal with it today seemed so daunting. The way I'm dealing with it right now is comfortable, because it's what I've done for so long, but horribly unhealthy. So stuff and things and hard.

Thanks for reading

-Michael

BEDA Feels

So this is the grand return. I'm going to try to do BEDA. The theme is going to be feels. Happy fun feels and sad scary feels. 30 rambly posts. Lucky readers.

Today's thing will be abandonment, because that one thing on Twitter.

I'm scared of abandonment, but who isn't really? Someone leaving and not coming back sucks; I mean, it hasn't really happened to be, but it's terrifying. So it's anxiety inducing. If it does happen, it's would be scary so I worry about it.

I'm always afraid that the people who come into my life will leave because I can't get the opportunity to prove that I care. I hate thinking that someone thinks negatively of me because I lack the ability to show them that I am a capable friend. I don't want to be left because of something that isn't true. I hate believing that people take my shyness as my being an asshole.

Quite the inverse of that and a product of low self-esteem. I'm afraid that the people who do actually like/care about me will stop; that people will eventually realize that I'm not worth it. Or the more someone gets to know me the less they'll like until they just decide to leave.

Then there is this feeling of partial abandonment, which I actually have legitimate reason to feel. It isn't fair, but notable absences are something I always notice/feel let down by. It isn't fair, because I don't ask for support. It isn't fair, because I don't let anyone know that I feel that way.

There is a fear that I am or will be an abandoner. Basically, the horror a Hufflepuff feels at being disloyal. Like is there a situation that'll present itself later in life that I will just bail from? Is it about to happen? I mean things have been shitty and I haven't ran away from it yet, but what if my tolerance is gone? Once I get out of here will I get flighty?

This issue along with others (that I'll ramble later) are shit I'm working on w/ my Therapist. I know a lot of this isn't true and there's no evidence to validate these fears. Neurotic mind or something

Thanks for reading

-Michael