Sunday, February 10, 2013

The Proportionality of Contact

Disclaimer: this is really bitchy and short

I really hate feeling like I am the one who has to initiate most of the contact in the majority of my relationships. It frustrates me on so many levels. I feel selfish for thinking like that. I feel like I'm maybe just a bother. I don't feel like it's equitable and then I feel bad for thinking like that. I think about this and it just makes me feel weird about my relationships and stressed.

My personality type isn't particularly comfortable with starting conversations. I don't want to make someone talk to me. I would definitely be comfortable being initiated upon, because then I know that the person wants to talk.

Another thing is that one of the few people who often initiate contact with me is the one person I want no contact with. And I dread potentially being *that* person to anyone else. I would really hate to be someone who people are afraid not to respond to; a person who the people I'm closest to can't tell me my flaws or mistakes or ways I upset them or have hurt them or whatever.

I know, I know that the reality isn't really that people just hate me or can't be bothered. I know that it isn't true, but it still nags at me. I know that in reality other people are kind of like me. And a lot time it's  really just us being two people who don't want to bother the other.

I just wish there was a better balance.