It is nearly 1:00 am and I had trouble falling asleep. Like I was tired, but then it quit once I settled into bed. One off nights where I have trouble sleeping don't bother me. However, this has been going on for like a week and it scares me. Any symptom of mania scares me to death. I am unable to accept that similarity to my father.
I mean this particular fear comes to me a lot. If I feel particularly horny, it scares me. If I feel great, it scares me. If I feel okay after not getting much sleep, it scares me. If I'm even slightly imprudent with my finances, it scares me. If I feel restless, it scares me.
There is anxiety inducing shit going on right now, which could explain the sleeplessness. A car crashed through the front of my workplace on Thursday (no one was hurt.) I will be losing hours as a result and everything is so influx that I don't know how much income I will lose and for how long. If I can't pay bills, then I'm either homeless or back living with my parents. At this point I don't know which prospect is scarier.
Logically, I can look at myself and see that I've never been manic. A good mood does not mania make. If I can't sleep well, I will at the some point during the day be miserable and tired. I'm restless because I'm not satisfied with where I'm at; I'm plenty content, but I want more and I want different. My sex-drive fluctuates, because I'm a human with hormones and shit going all wacky and changing all the time.
Also, I know that even if I am manic, it isn't a huge deal. Having mania doesn't make a person bad. I'm not an asshole. I have seen the assholeness that mania can bring out in other individuals. However, whatever it is that goes on in my brain doesn't turn me into an asshole or at least very, very rarely an asshole. I certainly am comfortable with seeking help with mental illness. I want treatment. If I needed treatment for mania I would seek it.
I don't know which fear is worse, fearing my father himself or turning into him. I certainly spend an obscene amount of time trying to make certain that I don't act or think or do anything like him. My fear of mania certainly comes from my desire to not be my father. There is plenty of evidence to show periods where I've been depressed. The notion that I may be bi-polar too upsets me more than it should. Whether I'm bi-polar or not I'm not anything like my father and I'm completely aware that bi-polar doesn't equate to terrible person. However, my mind when thinking about myself cannot come to that rational conclusion.
Someday, I really hope I'm able to end my father's occupation of my brain.
Thanks for reading.