Saturday, December 31, 2011

Salatious Stories

I've read An Abundance of Katherines and Paper Towns since last time. In fact, I just finished Paper Towns. I think I may have liked it best, but I haven't had that much time to reflect on it and I'm definitely prone to recentism. Of course, Looking for Alaska fucked me up so much that I had a very hard time falling asleep the night I finished reading it*. I'm not entirely immune from sleepless nights, but it was an odd one. I had to keep reminding myself that Alaska Young isn't real.

My claim to fame in boy-girl relations was 2nd grade. I had two girlfriends and I recall briefly having them simultaneously. After reading An Abundance of Katherines, I realized that I have no recollection of who dumped who to end those relationships. I can only infer from my recollection of them and that time. I think Carrie Icannotrememberherlastname, who liked to kiss me on the cheek, but I wouldn't let her kiss me on the lips and who I had a fake wedding with, dumped me. I'm pretty sure I dumped Kayla Forsberg. I remember being a dick to her.

I had a girlfriend for about fifteen minutes in 5th grade. Her name was Stephanie Ramsey** and her friends asked me to be her girlfriend, but she wouldn't talk to me. Later in the that recess period her friends dumped me for her because she was too shy to talk to me.

If you use the generous definition of dumping that John Green does than I had an oddity of a relationship last year. I don't know. It was something. If you want to cast it as a relationship that has a dumper/dumpee continuum, then I was probably the dumper, but it ended very oddly. My words were the last words though. I'm being very vague and that's for good reason. This story won't ever be on my blog***.

Lindsay Lee Wells would be disappointed in my story-telling abilities. No fucking moral.

I think I would be around two standard deviations away from the mean towards dumpee on the dumper/dumpee bell curve. My brief and mostly childish track record doesn't quite agree with that, but it also doesn't account for my crippling shyness, terrible anxiety and general desperation. Those things did not exist together in me until I was in High School. The only thing that moves me towards dumper is that I eventually become irritated enough to fight back. Also, my imaginary girlfriend could never dump me; I could only dump her****.

My plans for New Year's are to start reading Will Grayson Will Grayson. There was a time not so long ago that you wouldn't get to know about how lamely I was going to spend my evening. I've stopped caring though. I used to log out of Facebook on Friday and Saturday nights and I would send tweets via text message from my bed, so people couldn't see that I was just sitting on my computer. I don't go to many parties and I don't do many exciting things period. There's no point in keeping up an illusion.

It doesn't really upset me that much to not be going out on most Friday nights or New Year's Eve. I think I pretend that I might be up to something other than being online to keep anyone from pitying me. I've come to the conclusion that people don't particularly care. I mean, people could've compared their Michael notes and found that I wasn't anywhere if it actually mattered. I'm quite content with just going out on occasion. I'd like my social life to be more active, but it's not something that I wallow about. I'm not going out every Friday and Saturday and binge drinking just because it's the thing to do*****. I'm alright with spending more nights on Xbox Live than going out.

Anyway, Happy New Year guys. I appreciate you spending any of you're 2011 on here and would be happy if you continued to do so in 2012. Expect a New Year's resolution-y post at some point in the near future.

Thanks for reading and please comment

*I would advise you to not read the 'After' portion at night and if you do read it at night, you don't have to read the entire thing in one sitting.
**I think
***With some prodding I would probably share it privately with some of you. It probably isn't that interesting to anyone not involved in it though. Still, it was fucking strange.
****We've got a good thing going.
*****After School Special much?


  1. Two girlfriends at once? You dog ;)

    Paper Towns is my favorite.

    I wouldn't mind hearing the story of your most recent romantic adventures, but I'm a sucker for a good story. I respect your privacy and if you don't feel like saying anything then that's cool, but I would also say that keeping things bottled up is bad (this is coming from a world-class bottling-up champ). I gotta say, if I were to tell such a story about myself, it would be short and would start in 2011 xD Whaterr.

    Going out and getting smashed is overrated. Last night I went to bed at about 12:05. Happy New Year =]

  2. I'd tell you the story. I can't promise it's any good though. I just don't know how to talk to you privately, so you'd have to let me know which way you prefer (like facebook or Gchat or something).

  3. Facebook works for me. But I think you'll have to find me, I'm not having an easy time tracking you down.

  4. Finding a Michael Thomas on facebook is pretty much impossible. I'm gonna delete your comment with the link, because I'm pretty sure there are people who come here who are even creepier than I am. Why make it easy on them? =P