Friday, April 22, 2016

Body Image

For nearly all of my life, being skinny was my thing. I was literally underweight until I got into my twenties; at one point I was 6'3" and 135 pounds. People questioned whether or not I ate. Food was shoved my way. I put on some weight as I entered my 20s, but it basically plateaued at a close to a 'healthier' level

Then comes the past few months and I've put on quite a lot of weight. I got a new phone and put in my guess at what I weighed when I started using apps to track my activity. I was actually surprised (in a bad way) when I got on a scale and saw what I actually weighed. I weighed 156 pounds late in 2011, I weighed 213 in October of last year. I weighed 236 on Wednesday. I weigh 237 pounds today.

This really bothers me. There are lots of factors that I can recognize: Ridiculous diet, Not exercising since last summer, Mental health, Bad genetics, Aging. The logical part of my brain totally sees those. The logical part of my brain can see that being 6'3" and weighing 237 isn't totally out of line. However, I still don't like it.

Being thin is something that became a part of my identity. Now I look down and I see a gut. I was tall and thin. Now I'm chubby. I'm obsessing over this. I can't not be skinny; that's who I am. I've weighed myself 3 times today, which is more than I've weighed myself in the past year. I'm not who I think I'm supposed to be anymore and it's upsetting.

I can logic my way into thinking more healthily about this; that is something therapy has taught me to do generally. However, it hasn't worked for long. My belly is always there to remind me. My face is fatter in pictures.

On top of being worried about gaining weight, I'm very much worried about my worry. I don't wanna think like this. I don't wanna go down the trail to which this worry could lead. I don't feel like me. I feel even less attractive than I already felt with my low self-esteem having ass.

My number one reason for going on runs, and I hope it will remain this, is to alleviate anxiety. I explained to my therapist a few sessions ago that I like running because it tires me out. It's like taking a dog for a walk to wear it out; I take myself for runs.

I never want to run with my main purpose losing weight. I never want to make drastic changes to how much food I eat simply to lose weight. I hope I'm not heading there, but my thinking is worrying me.


1 comment:

  1. I've been there. It sucks. Making diet and exercise changes definitely have helped me in the past but it's easy to get obsessive about it in an unhealthy way. Hang in there.