With the Saga of Hipster Girl nearing its end, I am pondering a question that I have for a while.
Let's start this off with a story. Last Wednesday was the last day that I will be at my class with Hipster Girl that isn't a final*. I basically decided that morning that I would at least try to talk to her and possibly determine whether or not an asking out would be reasonable. I built up my courage with all the things one uses to imagine another as just a regular person. So, when break happened, I was going to do it.
She went out into the hall and I went out shortly after. I looked over at her and my mind was like, "nope, we're just gonna go to the bathroom." I kind of gave my self the ultimatum of that being the "last chance" and that still didn't motivate me enough to get over my shyness. There's still the day of the final, but I feel like trying to get a date during finals is probably a bad idea.
People really like to say things like, "the worst she can say is 'no.'" But to me the reply to that type of statement is, "exactly." Being told, "no" by someone you want to say, "yes" really sucks. However, being told neither is a n ambiguous existence in which the reality I desire and the reality I don't are both reasonably plausible. It is a place that is miserable in a lot of ways, but it certainly is comfy for the fear of rejection to just hang out and kill your confidence.
I like to fancy myself as a pretty secure person. I know what I look like and am okay with it. I trust the people for which I care. However, my refusal to try for the risk of being turned down is a certainly not showing any security. However, that isn't it simply. As I see it the reasons I bailed from even speaking to the girl I've pined over in order are these:
-Fear of Rejection
I've struggled with shyness and anxiety for quite a while now. It makes it hard to build relationships or get jobs. I now I am a good worker and I think I'm a perfectly nice person, but the stuff that it takes for me to get in a position to show people those traits is hard for me. My nature kind of forces me to avoid being nice to someone initially with someone. I'm pretty much never comfortable enough to make small talk or compliment or anything with a relative stranger. It's not that I don't want to; I really do. I just can't bring myself to do it and the best way I can describe my feeling is that I don't feel worthy.
I feel like the boy-asks-girl-out model is not gonna work for me. However that is the standard and I'm not particularly attractive nor do I talk much, so there's little reason for a girl to ask me out even if she were willing to break out of social constraints. So, my prospect for getting a girlfriend is quite limited at least in those confines.
For the past several months I have been considering trying online dating. I feel like it would make initial contact much easier. Being able to do all the preliminary shit virtually would allow me to actually do it, because it is easy to have confidence on teh interwebz.
I realize that this isn't a cure all for a lot of my social problems. I still would have to actually meet a person. I would probably have to be able to control my nerves enough to eat around someone. If I'm honest, as I've said before, the prospect of an actual date terrifies even if I really want a girlfriend.
I just don't know if it would really be a positive move or just an act of desperation though. There are lots of things that I need to work on and perhaps I should try to work them out before dating at all.
Leave your thoughts on this in comments.
Thanks for reading and please comment
*I am skipping this Wednesday for reasons. Very important reasons.