Saturday, April 6, 2013

BEDA Feels- Anxious Habit

A feels post today. Probably going to be short, because I'm fucking tired. Definitely, found out exactly what the 2nd job* will be like in terms of physical demands today. It's nothing terrible and I'll get used to it, but it's very physical work and I haven't had to do that in a while. Consider this a preface, to a bigger social anxiety post I plan on doing.

So, this new job while it's only semi-retail it is in a very busy retail environment. That's not an environment I'm comfortable in and it's particularly unsettling because I'm new to this job, so no tolerance has been built up yet. Then, there's the fact that I'm new to the job, so I don't feel certain in what I'm doing and that breeds lots of 'I'm going to fuck up' worries**.

Today was my third day at this job in three weeks*** and the first day that was really busy in the particular part of the store where I'm working for a third party vendor. So, lots of people around. Costumers asking me questions, because I'm working in the store, but I don't know the answer to, because I don't actually work for the store. So, this brings about a certain type of anxiety, which causes a particular habit in me, which cause a particular outcome.

I don't know the actual name for what I'm doing; I'm pretty sure there must be one, but I haven't found the words to make Google tell me what it is. Basically, I have my lips closed, but I pull them into my mouth, basically my lips aren't really visible any more and the skin just below and above the lips touches. My lips are sort of behind or on my my teeth, so the skin that rubs together is backed by my teeth. What an elegant and concise explanation that was.

Well, apparently 'sucked in lips' is what I was looking for, but I'll leave that last paragraph, because I don't know... padding or something.

This causes my lips to become chapped and the skin around my mouth gets very irritated. This doesn't happen when I have daddy anxiety. It doesn't happen when my insecurities make me anxious. It doesn't happen when I'm out in the usual way (i.e. out for a meal) and social anxiety kicks in. No, this is triggered by prolonged exposure to crowds. Also, uncertainty seems to be a factor. Like, I don't know exactly what to do and there are so many people who can see my ignorance/guess at what's right.

I don't know exactly what the function of that is. It seems quite instinctual to me. My brain just thinks this is the thing to do when it's nervous in this situation. All facial expressions seems to be instinctual, so this isn't particularly special; the results are painful, so I really notice it.

Anyway, I'll have to work on changing the behavior. Namely, by noticing it when it happens and then stopping it. Hopefully, that won't be too terribly difficult; I don't like depending on lip balm just cause I get nervous sometimes (a lot.)

Thanks for reading

*Have I told the blog about the second job yet?
**I actually had my first fuck up today.
***Basically only working weekends for now

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