Monday, April 1, 2013

BEDA Feels

So this is the grand return. I'm going to try to do BEDA. The theme is going to be feels. Happy fun feels and sad scary feels. 30 rambly posts. Lucky readers.

Today's thing will be abandonment, because that one thing on Twitter.

I'm scared of abandonment, but who isn't really? Someone leaving and not coming back sucks; I mean, it hasn't really happened to be, but it's terrifying. So it's anxiety inducing. If it does happen, it's would be scary so I worry about it.

I'm always afraid that the people who come into my life will leave because I can't get the opportunity to prove that I care. I hate thinking that someone thinks negatively of me because I lack the ability to show them that I am a capable friend. I don't want to be left because of something that isn't true. I hate believing that people take my shyness as my being an asshole.

Quite the inverse of that and a product of low self-esteem. I'm afraid that the people who do actually like/care about me will stop; that people will eventually realize that I'm not worth it. Or the more someone gets to know me the less they'll like until they just decide to leave.

Then there is this feeling of partial abandonment, which I actually have legitimate reason to feel. It isn't fair, but notable absences are something I always notice/feel let down by. It isn't fair, because I don't ask for support. It isn't fair, because I don't let anyone know that I feel that way.

There is a fear that I am or will be an abandoner. Basically, the horror a Hufflepuff feels at being disloyal. Like is there a situation that'll present itself later in life that I will just bail from? Is it about to happen? I mean things have been shitty and I haven't ran away from it yet, but what if my tolerance is gone? Once I get out of here will I get flighty?

This issue along with others (that I'll ramble later) are shit I'm working on w/ my Therapist. I know a lot of this isn't true and there's no evidence to validate these fears. Neurotic mind or something

Thanks for reading


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